It's a hard transition for us, as parents, and probably especially as moms!
Throw into the mix 2 kids who are delayed & therefore need further help & more help than their peers...
Throw in today's generation of parents and our tendency to "over parent" and be "helicopter parents"...
... and you may find yourself doing far more for your child, (toddler or teen), than you should.
Sometimes we step in out of fear.
~Fear that the child will get hurt.
~Fear that the result won't be perfect. Things might get messy!
~Fear about how less-than-perfect reflects on us.
This sends the message to the child that they can't do it.
(Self esteem plummets.)
Obviously this ties very much into the lost art of allowing our children to fail.
Sometimes we over-step because we see our job as preparing our child for college, so of course they need 5 extra curricular activities per week in which they excel and of course they must have the best grades ever so I will "butt in" where I really, really should not. Really, I believe, we are preparing our children to live godly lives, living in community, loving their friends & family & serving the Lord. Yes, probably college too, but college is certainly not my end goal.
Sometimes we step in because we want to control the outcome.
It's easier when we do it. It's faster. It's better. It makes us look better.
Same message: I can't do it if I'm a child.
Oh, am I every guilty of this!
~When our favorite Science guy asks my son a Q and I answer. (What am I doing??)
~Tweaking their outfit choices to better reflect how I want them to look.
~Reminding - "Don't forget your violin!"
"Dance class starts in 10 minutes!"
"Don't forget to make your bed!"
"Feed the rabbit!"
~Tying that shoe. Cutting those veggies. Helping with that Science Fair project.
A dear teacher once told me that she can totally tell which kids do their own Science projects & which projects are essentially completed by the parents. When one of her students clearly did the work by him/herself, she gives them a lot of extra praise. After all, that is what is supposed to happen!
I wish I had a picture of a classic example of me doing this, in this case with my stepdaughter. I do have a pic of a project she made for Science last year, in which we did not fall into the pit of "Let's help & make this the best project ever!!"
Anyway, back to my mistake. One of many, I assure you! It was "Drug Awareness" Week at D's school, or something like that. Part of this was a poster contest. Well, guess what? She won! Got a T-shirt & a water bottle & lotsa good stuff. BUT... looking back, I really think map of the U.S. turned upside down w/ little statistics about drugs & the theme of how we can turn the U.S. upside down & change all these statistics...not D's idea. my idea. How shameful!
You know, it's hard to take pride in something you made, accomplished, did when you really didn't make, accomplish, do it. And then we are getting back to that subject of true self esteem and self worth. When we allow our child to do something themselves and we accept that & we do not send the message that it would be better if it were more perfect, more like Mom or Dad could do it, we are building up their security & self confidence.
Sometimes, my children make things that look like this:
And sometimes they make things that are really cool & look like this:
But guess what? They take pride in what they have made!
Now, this is no slam on my dad, because he did what I asked him to do. A few months ago I asked him to help Micah make a little dogsled. He did and it is very cute.
But Micah didn't really make that.
Now, there is a middle ground that is healthy between the unhealthy extremes of doing too much & un-parenting/doing too little. We need to consider actual ability & learning readiness. Maybe your child really, truly cannot unbuckle their seatbelt. Or maybe emotionally your child really truly cannot handle a task. There is a time to push and a time to let it go and help more. Aren't we as adults this way too? Some days I am on the top of the world and I feel like I can handle my day well. Other days, having my husband help would mean the world to me because I am needier.
Also, we are parents. There are standards. We strive for excellence. It is certainly okay for us to tell our child how they can improve their performance on a chore. We are parents. We know our children. I have had to push Micah to do a lot of things, because I know my son, and without that push he would stay right in the very, very middle of his comfort zone & never move!
Mistakes are our teachers. Noelle's violin teacher said this to us a lot. The more I think about it the more I agree. I have picked up two new hobbies this past year: hiking & knitting. Mistakes are our teachers. When I fell on a slippery rock, by the side of the river I was crossing, it was an accident, but also a mistake.
I made a mistake in judgement as to whether or not to take my hiking boots off & cross the river. I didn't want to take the time or energy to take them off so I was searching for a place to cross on rocks. Slippery rocks. Ah, mistakes are our teachers. I may fall again on a slippery rock, but I have learned my lesson about crossing rivers and changing footwear.
I have made countless mistakes with my knitting. I have ripped out whole projects & I have ripped out hours & hours & hours of my own work. But mistakes are my teachers. With knitting anyway, (although I wouldn't apply this to many things in life), I have seemingly needed to make those mistakes in order to understand the right way to do it.
When Micah was 7 years old, almost 8, his dad gave him a Leatherman.
Sure enough, he cut himself. (Truthfully, this really didn't bother me. I knew it was "good" for him. Don't judge!) We had talked to him about knife safety and shown him the right way to hold the knife. We weren't just leaving him to his own devices. He ignored the rule that we cut away from ourselves. His first reaction was to put the knife away & tell me, with tears streaming down his face, that he was never going to use that knife again! In time, he of course got it out and now, with much sharper knives, can skin a muskrat with skill. Well, some skill anyway!
So in my mind, letting our kids fail is very tied to getting out of the way and knowing when to help and when not to!
Just last month I caught myself! I am trying to be so mindful of this, but I did it again!
Noelle & I were at a doctor appointment. Now, she is a healthy child, but she has also spent her fair share of time with various specialists, therapists, and doctors. She currently has 7 prescriptions she uses every day, if you count the 2 ointments she has for eczema. Anyway...
Her doctor asked what prescriptions she is currently taking. What a perfect opportunity for me to keep my mouth shut & for Noelle to answer! She is 12! She can do this! She probably doesn't know all the names -but she might - but she can certainly answer for herself! But no- I butt right in and name off the medications. About 1.5 seconds after I am done speaking, I realize what I have just done! Whoops!
I refuse to be that parent- and this actually, really truly did happen when I worked at a hotel- who, when their child was in college, (so, really not a "child" right??), came in to get an application for their "child", called to check on that application, came to the interview...
Please smack me on the head if I am headed down that road! But it doesn't start when they leave high school. It starts now.
So- resist the urge!- Let them carve their own pumpkins! Yes, the pumpkins that other people are actually going to see.
Shape them & guide them & teach them & nurture them & love them, but..
Wendy, are you listening?
Give them a safe place to fail.
Don't do something for them that they can do for themselves.
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