When she turned 9 years old I cried. Because "it" was half over, this precious time when she was in our home. I know "it" will continue, because I am in my 40's and I need and love my Marmee. But still.
I pondered: What are my bullet points for her? What are the main ideas that I want to express once again before she continues her journey outside our home?
Some I will copy here in this blog, with or without some editing. Some I won't.
Here we go:
Dearest Noelle Patricia,
I want to write down for you what I think the important things are. I had a different one in mind to be the first letter, but the words and the peace and the right timing did not come. What has come to the surface is that I need to apologize for all the things I've done wrong or haven't been or should have been or should have done.
I didn't really worry when you couldn't walk or needed speech therapy or went to Africa. But what worries me is that I might have, or might still, do something that in any way did or will contribute to any kind of separation with God. I have this unquenchable, driving desire to try to point you to Him. What about when I've done the opposite? There are moments that I wish I could live over again, and make better and more loving & tender choices.
So I guess as a foundation to these life lessons that I hope to say one more word about, before you leave our home and continue your journey outside our home, is an acknowledgement, from me to you, of how I didn't often or always do it right. I am sorry. I acknowledge that I have often been angry instead of spirit-controlled. I acknowledge that I have often been selfish. I care deeply that I have hurt you with my words and actions. It's important that you know that you have never caused my sinful responses, (even when they happened during math time while homeschooling!). I am sorry for the times when I was not who you needed me to be, as well as the times when I was not who God called me to be.
My desire for you was to have a childhood that you didn't need to get over. I want you to have the freedom to travel on your journey lightly. Please forgive me for the times when I have failed you and sinned against you. I am FOR you. I absolutely love you to the moon and back.
Your Marmee. xoxo