I began this post a little over 3 months ago, and then tabled it. It's even more appropriate now, (which I will explain), so I came back to it. Plus, it is Saturday morning & Micah did wake up, anxious to watch Saturday morning cartoons!
My 10 year old son, Micah is a beginner dancer. He has been doing dance for over a year and 1/2. He has done a little bit of hip hop, a little bit of ballet & a little bit of tap.
(added - also a little of Irish step dancing.)
Our dance studio has been very generous, partially because they are looking for more boys. Dance is expensive. Period. This year Micah is taking a ballet class which is one hour/week & he is taking a boys class which is primarily tap, one hour/week. He would also love to be doing Irish step dancing & I am looking into that. The Boys Class is ending in a few weeks because the teacher is being deployed and they don't have a replacement. He loves tap dancing & would like to find another tap class to join.
You know, he has tried as many things as I think are possible, being in the income bracket we are in. Even if only on a peewee or rec level, he has tried:
~Wrestling
~Soccer
~T-ball
~Skiing
~Piano lessons
(This is not to mention all his hobbies, such as muskrat trapping & weapon-making & carving & hunting & skinning & tanning animals, etc!)
He did skiing & piano lessons for 2 years and liked both. Both are expensive. When it comes down to it, there is only so much money & there is only so much time. Choices need to be made & the decision to say "yes" to one thing is always a decision to say "no" to something else.
Here is the thing: A delicate, delicate balance needs to be reached regarding extracurricular activities, sports, the fine arts, etc.
As parents, we don't even mean to usually, but, we rush in and our brains start taking these kids to the next level! We start thinking that since our child wants to ski that maybe they can go to Carrabassett Valley Academy! And hey, other dance students have gone to Joffrey in the summer! Wouldn't that be great! Perhaps my child can play in the youth orchestra, now that he/she is playing violin! We just need to practice a little harder! A little longer! Push a little more!
It is a slippery slope! And truly - I think it is in each & every one of us! Maybe some parents are living their lives through their children & maybe some parents feel that their child is the best & most parents do want what is best for their children & certainly some children are gifted & some are driven on their own.
Exposure is good. And frankly, those with money can expose their kids to more than those without money. That is just true. Many times I have wished I had more funding available so that my kids could enjoy art classes or travel or ski passes & lessons, etc.
Pushing children isn't bad either. I have made my kids practice & practice & practice their musical instruments. Guess what? None of them play one anymore! There comes a point in time when I as a mom am tired of pushing & the desire to be good at an instrument has to come from within. Internal motivation vs. external motivation.
I had to push Micah each time his Kindergarten class had a special dress-up day. And there were a lot of them! 100 year old day & favorite character day & all of that! He didn't want to do any of them and would sit & cry in the van. Guess what? It was part of school and he had to get over it! I'm not opposed to pushing kids, but I think in today's society we all run the risk of erring on the side of
too many activites and not enough free time. (Although as someone commented to me recently, of course I don't want lazy kids.) There is also something to be said, particularly for older children, in keeping them busy in order to keep them out of trouble. Perhaps an 'idle hands are the devil's workshop' sort of thing. I think the level & intensity & time spent for and in activities needs to vary based on the age of the child.
I read this quote the other day & it really resonates with me:
"Parents worry about kids' boredom, so they schedule their lives to keep them busy...but empty hours teach children how to create their own happiness." -from the book The Over Scheduled Child
There is a girl at dance who is a really great dancer. I think it's less because she is innately talented & more because she goes to the studio every day after school for several hours and dances, (in other words - hard work.) Sometimes she has shared with Noelle how she doesn't get to do any other activities or hang out with friends after school. She does her homework at the studio & she eats her supper there and she goes home and goes to bed. And you know what? I will bet she has a future in dance. I am sure she gains self confidence by being good at several different types of dance. And maybe because I either can't afford to or we choose to not choose one activity & spend all our time doing it, maybe my children will never have the chance to be the best at something. I don't know. And I'm sure that I'm not getting it all right, but I'm also sure that there is such, such value in play & time to be creative & especially learning who we are and what we like based on our time table & desires & not what others have placed on us.
I can't find the source but I once read about an award-winning scientist. In an interview he was asked about his childhood. The writer assumed that he must have had a lot of special science programs as a child. His answer was great! Actually, he did a lot of theater with his family and free play.
So, back to Saturday morning and ballet or play:
Back when I began this post, in mid-October, Micah was offered an additional ballet class, for free. Micah likes dance. He likes it enough to be 'okay' with being the only boy in some classes. He likes it enough to take risks, (he's not a natural risk taker with many things), and be vulnerable. This class was the same level class as his Tuesday ballet class, but it was with the studio's best teacher. And.. the class meets on a Saturday morning. I was very excited! It's a 1.5 hour class, so this would mean 3.5 hours/week of dance instruction for Micah. GREAT! However, when I told Micah he was less than thrilled. For sure.
"But I like to watch cartoons on Saturday morning."
What? You're homeschooled. We can watch cartoons another time.
"But I like to sleep in on Saturday morning."
"Saturdays are my free days and I don't want to have any activities on them."
I tried all my persuasion skills. I certainly could have made him take the class. I did make him go one time to see what it was like. He stuck with his story. He absolutely did not want to take a Saturday ballet class. Now, if the class had been any weekday, he would have done it. No question. He wanted to keep Saturdays for home & for play & for the occassional Home Depot project & family outing.
Saturdays. Ballet or Play?
And even though I believe all of the things I've written about kids having some kind of control over their own lives & parents not pushing too much & the value of play~ this was rather hard for me. It was SUCH a good opportunity! And at only the price of gas! He likes dance! But I had to relent and listen to my own advice. There needs to be some kind of balance between pushing a child and allowing them control/say/time to play.
(As an aside, recently Noelle & Micah visited my parents for a few days. Before they went I found out that some mornings my dad picks up the milk at an Amish farm. He then delivers it to the cheese factory. This would be something Micah could 'get in on'. I told him about it & he didn't want to go. He didn't want to be ready at 7:00 a.m. & maybe because it's winter he wasn't as motivated. I don't know. However, I told him I expected him to go & that it would be quite interesting & a great opportunity. I called Mom and told her that I wanted Micah to go. She later told me that when she mentioned it to him, he was very respectful & told her that he was going to go because 'Mommy wanted him to.' So, although not a scheduled & regular thing, such as an activity, he submitted to my wishes & enjoyed it greatly & learned something. I don't want my children to feel that I make them do loads of things they don't want to do. But I do want them to submit to my wishes, when I do push it, and recognize that Mommy doesn't 'push' for everything, so she must really want this to happen.)
So, we decided to not choose ballet, and therefore to choose play.
This decision came up again recently. We were very sad to find out that they were cancelling Micah's Tuesday ballet class. The numbers had dwindled to a point where they were no longer going to offer it. Man! His Boys Class was done, (due to the aforementioned deployment of the teacher). He had picked up an Irish Step Dancing class, which he LOVES. But ballet is important & he jumps around here without even thinking about it, in a very ballet-like way & frankly, he needs more training. ahhhh.... the very small Tiger Mom , no- Kitten Mom in me is screaming, 'We need to do this'! Micah was very sad and upset to hear that his ballet class was cancelled. However, not enough to want to do dance on a Saturday!
So, maybe he won't be the next 'Tommy McCarthy' and maybe he will. Maybe there is an unforeseen & not-yet-discovered thing that will rise out of this Saturday free time. Mabye it's measurable and maybe it's not. Maybe it's self-regulation & self-discovery & the satisfaction of knowing he had hours of his childhood to play with Legos & to look out the window and see the snow fall.
I am learning lessons as I go...
