Kevin & I are nearly 9 years into blended family life! We are
not the Brady Bunch! But we have gained some wisdom, and as blended family expert, Ron Deal says, we have wandered in the desert looking for the Promised Land!
Although I have been a single mom, I have been through a divorce, and continue to experience the struggles of co-parenting, this post is specifically about:
How to encourage & help, (but not hurt!) a blended family.
Keep in mind that blended families come in all varieties. However, they all are in existence as a result of loss. Personally, our blended marriage came about as a result of divorce, not death. I brought into our marriage two children, who were 4 & 6 years old at the time. My husband brought into our marriage a 7 year old daughter, who primarily lived with him, and a 13 year old step-daughter from his first marriage. My experiences and therefore advice has been shaped by these factors.
1. Bless Their Marriage:
Anything that you can do that will benefit the marriage of a husband & wife who are leading a blended family is helpful. Approximately 7 out of 10 second marriages will end in divorce. A marriage in a blended family is under
tremendous pressure. The Biblical plan for marriage is for two to become one. This is very hard to accomplish when you are trying to blend two families, and you have entered your marriage as already-functioning, separate units. Blended families are everywhere, including in the church, and yet they are one of the most under-served populations in the church. Trust me: They want & need help!
Pay for counseling. Pay for a marriage retreat or conference. Babysit for free so that the parents can attend these marriage-builders.
Be a sounding board & a listening ear, but do not damage the marriage by feeding what is bound to come up: Discontentment, disillusionment, a desire to leave. The decision has been made. The marriage has happened. Feed that! Be supportive, but only offer Biblically sound advice. Affirm the marriage.
Support individual health. Support hobbies and healthy outlets. For me, my farm animals,
gardening, foraging, hiking, scrapbooking & knitting are all healthy
outlets for me. Most of these things I do alone. So they are not
marriage builders in the sense that Kevin & I are directly receiving
benefit from them. But I would say that we do indirectly receive
benefits from them. A healthier, happier Wife & Mom means a better
home and a better blended family, and a better marriage.
So, invite that husband fishing. Take that wife out to coffee. Offer to pay for a scrapbooking retreat or a fly tying class.
2. ALL of the children are part of the blended family:
Particularly if the blended family has children of somewhat similar ages and if those children do live, at least some of the time, in the blended family unit, then they need to be considered part of the unit.
This means: Grandparents, aunts & uncles & close family friends:
If you buy a present for 'your' grandchildren, 'your' niece, 'your' nephew,
you need to do the same for their step-sibling. (Generally speaking.)
Obviously I am not speaking of the parents & siblings of the divorced spouse who is not in the blended family. I would never have expected my former mother-in-law, grandma to my two kids, to buy my stepdaughter gifts. She actually did sometimes, which just demonstrates how amazing she is! However, that sort-of understanding is not typical and certainly not something that should be expected.
However, if your adult child has chosen to get married and now has a blended family, you have gained a new grandchild. There are exceptions to this rule. If the children are older, if the children do not spend time in the blended family unit, if there is an estrangement.
If you want to support the blended family, and especially support the marriage, you will do this!
Anything that draws a line down the middle of a blended family and separates the family into original units, (parent with biological kids pitted again parent with biological kids), is toxic. Blended families are having a difficult enough time already. By favoring your biological grandchild or nephew or niece you are creating another pit for them to fall into, another mountain for them to climb, another issue to have to work through. Please don't!
This is not to say that you cannot do special things sometimes with your biological or 'original' grandchild! Use wisdom, discretion and balance. Get permission from the man or woman who are leading this blended family. I would suggest that sometimes it is a good & positive thing to keep some one-on-one 'original family' time for not just parent & child but also with the extended family.
3. Money, money, money:
Blended families are often more financially strapped than original, intact families. A divorced parent may have had to sell their home, take on a second mortgage, and/or give a large pay-out to their ex-spouse. Other common financial burdens are court costs, child support, and increased gas money spent to transport children to & from their home. Gas cards, groceries, and gifts of money are very helpful.
4. Practical Helps:
When a person is in crisis, perhaps with cancer or grief or yes- in a blended family, a lot of emotional & mental energy is being used toward issues. There are problems to solve, situations to explain, hard,
very hard disagreements to work through between husband & wife, all while doing the everyday things that life requires: working, parenting, ministering, cleaning, cooking, etc.
Anything that you can do to alleviate pressures, reduce stress, free up time, will help and be appreciated. Offer to transport the children to school or activities, make meals, babysit the children, help clean, attend court for the inevitable divorce decree modifications.
Many blended families begin the marriage with too much stuff! When blending two households you end up with two of everything! It's overwhelming! Often one family is moving into the home of the other, and every place- every closet, every room, every drawer, already has stuff in it! I know this happened to me!
(Disclosure: 9 years into our marriage & there are still drawers, cupboards, and places in our home that I have not touched! Whatever was in them when I moved here, remains in them!) If I had it to do over again, I would get help so that beginning even 2-3 months before the marriage, much of this stuff that belonged to our two households would be weeded out. So- Offer to help with this! Help by running boxes to donation sites or helping with a yard sale.
5. Prayer:
Lots & gobs & loads of it.
6. Understanding:
Some hurts and problems have more curb appeal than others. Divorce and re-marriage has
very little curb appeal!! It is more likely to make people run from you than run to you! Hopefully we can help change that, but in the meantime, it's true.
One of the biggest hurdles of a blended family, (the kind that has children going back & forth between homes), is
scheduling.
Ack! I think I just broke out in hives thinking about it! ~just kidding! But seriously, it is a primary issue.
So how can you help with scheduling? You really can't, but you can be understanding as to why a child cannot make it to a birthday party, a camp, or a school event. Many, many times in our own blended family, one child or another had to say 'no' to something due to the schedule between homes. It is disappointing to not be able to participate in a spelling bee that you earned the right to be in, to go to your best friend's birthday party sleepover, or not be able to participate in the concert at church, because that's a weekend you are at your other parent's home. Be understanding.
Abide by the wishes of the husband and wife team who are leading a blended family. They are acutely aware of their needs and the painful, not-yet-healed hurts in their family. There may be a very good reason why they don't attend a sporting event, why they chose not to purchase something, or why they are saying no to an invitation.
Do not EVER say, "Well, you knew what you were getting into!" Did you know what you were getting into when you got married? Probably
not. I can nearly guarantee that if any of us knew what we were
getting into when we re-married, most of us wouldn't have done it!
If a friend or family member feels safe enough to share with you some
of the struggles of blended family life, do not ruin that by suggesting
that it is their fault because they knew that... he had kids. Or her
ex-husband was a ticking time bomb. Or the list goes on. You don't
know what you don't know!! Offer support and a listening ear and firm
boundaries, if needed.
This is where, as is true in any thing,
parents in blended families will get the most support from those who
have been there. Seek out the couples who have made it!! They know.
They may have just the words of wisdom that you need.
All members of a blended family need validation and support.
In thinking what I feel children of a blended family need, I would say that most of what they need also falls under the category of 'understanding.'
- Children of blended families need to know that they are valued just as much as children from intact/ original families. I don't know that the term 'broken home' is beneficial for children to hear. They are not second class citizens because they are not growing up with a dad and a mom who are in the same home.
- Children of blended families need to be given permission, 'allowed' to love all the adults in their life. They need the freedom to speak freely of their mom and their dad. So- Grandparents, do not speak ill of the ex-spouses. Just don't do it!
- They need extra love, care & grace because their home life can be very rough. At first it can be exciting that there is going to be a wedding and new siblings and a new parent! But disillusionment sets in when it things and people don't work out quite the way we thought they would.
I am grateful beyond my ability to express it, for those who have loved me through the past decade!! We have had amazing grandparents to our children who welcomed in these new additions! I have called my mom hundreds of times with tears & failures & hurts & she has listened. Thanks, Mom! I have great friends who have not become exhausted with all that I have needed to express in these past years. We have been blessed by several people who have been willing to transport our kids for us, which has been a huge help. Without a doubt, being part of a small group was a booster for us spiritually, but also in building friendships.
Now my desire is that we "go and do likewise!"
To the blended family: Other blog posts will cover some advice, but persevere. This too shall pass and when your marriage comes out on the other side, it will be with a "sacred history" and a depth that you did not think was possible.
To my husband, Kevin: We are doing it! Beating the odds & I am so thankful that we didn't give up when it was hardest!
