Hard Realities and the Growth that Comes as a Result.

Today I dropped my kids off with their dad.  For the rest of the summer.  They will come back just before school starts.  We have a new custody arrangement, one of the results of a divorce modification which culminated in a trial nearly a year ago.  Their dad asked for 8 weeks in the summer.  I countered with 3 weeks.  The judge decided on 5 weeks.  This is the most time that they have ever spent with their dad, post-divorce.

I didn't have children to not spend time with them.  It's unnatural. Sad.  Hard.

My kids were 1.5 and 3.5 years old when their dad decided to leave.  However, it wasn't until they were 2.5 and 4.5 that I had to drop them off at their dad's apartment for overnights.  I am telling you~ That first time that I packed their little backpacks and drove across town and walked them up the stairs and drove away:  I thought I was going to die.  It was very, very hard.

Being divorced and having your kids go back and forth between homes is a hard reality.  I have known today's extended visitation was coming, and I knew that it would be even more challenging because my daughter, Noelle, just arrived home 2 days ago from a month in Africa, only to turn around and leave again.  I had a little cry/ release about the whole thing today.

But, if we as parents think this is hard, we can't even imagine how it feels for our kids.  The kids of divorce are always the losers.  All they want is to love their Dad and to love their Mom and to have their Mom & Dad be together and to be able to be with both parents at once.  Divorce crushes kids.  It's not just something that they have to deal with in their childhood, the pain is long-lasting and the effects go on for a lifetime. 

When my husband told me that he was leaving, I remember calling my pastor and just crying.  Naturally I was devastated for myself.  My dream of a godly marriage and lots of children was ripped away.  But that night I remember mostly talking to him about my kids.  "What about my kids??", I wailed.  Every single life event from then on was going to be different.  Not to mention daily life.  They would never again come home to a mom and a dad.  Just horrible. 


Now let me say, I am truly thankful for what I have.  I have children- I am so thankful to God for that!  I have had the privilege of spending a great deal of time with my children, (for a divorced parent.)  I don't have to look far to see the pain from a lack of time with your child.  For the past 2+ years, my husband, for years the primary caregiver for his daughter, has spent very little time with her.  That is very painful.  Raw. 

So sometimes it's hard to be too sad about any part of my situation when comparatively, his is much harder.  I have a friend who helped me with this perspective.  At the time, her son & my daughter were both in physical therapy.  Noelle had multiple speech therapy and physical therapy appointments a week, on top of neurologist appointments and issues with her asthma, allergies & eczema.  But- My friend's son had severe issues.  A feeding tube.  Vomiting.  Autism.  Many more therapy and doctor appointments than Noelle and much harsher medical realities.  When we hung out and my friend would ask about how Noelle was doing in therapy, I would say, "Oh goodness.  We are fine!  She is fine!  She doesn't have a diagnosis!  What we are experiencing is nothing compared to what you are experiencing!"  My friend stopped me.  She said that just because her "leg is amputated" doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when I break my leg, or stub my toe.  What a friend! 

So yes, sending my kids off for the rest of the summer is a hard reality.

However, everyone has hard realities.  Difficulties with health, finances, relationships.  Everyone.

The treasure is that it is usually through these difficult times that we grow in our faith.  We draw closer to the Lord.  My relationship with the Lord is absolutely, without question better and stronger because of the trials of my life. 

I had to learn to let go.  Funny, how we think we are keeping things in place or controlling anything at all!!  That week, years ago, when my husband left, I remember one day very specifically.  It was a Wednesday.  My one year old and my three year old were playing in the living room and I sat on the couch all day long.  "What am I going to do?"  Oh, that cry out to God.  The anguish.  The Spirit interceding for me with groanings too deep for words.  (Romans 8:26).  "Well, God, you are going to have to figure this out."  It was a release of control.  It was a spiritually significant day in my faith journey.  And as my mom said, "That's how God wants us to always be!  Not just in crisis, but all the time.  Letting go of trying to control our lives.  Releasing them and yielding to the Father." 

So, in hard realities we can be thankful that they are catalysts for growth.  Maybe you didn't grow up in a Christian home.  Maybe your husband doesn't lead you spiritually.  Maybe infertility has left you in a state of grief.  Maybe you are caring for an elderly parent and the struggle is very real.

I am so thankful that God has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10.)

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  (Psalm 34:18.  The Bible is full of comfort for us.  Also, God can use anything that is meant for evil against us, for good.  (Genesis 50:20).  

Whatever our situation, it is important to come to an acceptance of it.  Definitely change the things you can, but accept what you cannot.  Acceptance has been a big part of my spiritual journey.  

My daughter has asthma.  She is, of course, wise to be knowledgeable about asthma.  To be aware of her triggers.  To take her medication and follow expert advice.  It would be unwise to act as though she didn't have asthma- To try to climb a mountain without an inhaler, to push the limits.  My daughter has to have an acceptance that she has asthma and this may limit her in a few things.  


We all have to accept our limitations and not endlessly struggle against them.  Certain stages of life limit us.  Health problems can limit us.  The acceptance that this is my situation and I need to live within these confines helps me to move on and LIVE!  To be intentional with what I have.  To be thankful!  

And the peace!  Oh, the peace.  God tells us that we have access to a peace, a peace of God that surpasses all comprehension, guarding our minds and hearts!! (Philippians 4:7) Wow!  

And then we can say: 
"....Blessed Be Your name.  When I'm found in the desert place.
Though I walk through the wilderness.  Blessed Be Your name.
Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, Still I will say-
Blessed be the name of the Lord...
Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering. 
Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name.
...You give and take away, My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name."  (Matt Redman.)

Is it a hard reality?  Oh yes indeed.

But God provides growth and acceptance.

I hold my children with an open hand.  They are God's kids, not mine, and it's easy to forget that.  Sharing my kids with my ex-husband helps me to remember that. 

Transitioning from School to Homeschooling and from Homeschooling to School

Here is our schooling history:
Noelle, currently 15 years old, attended 1/2 day Kindergarten at a Christian school, as well as grades 1-2.  She homeschooled for 6 years and has just completed grade 9 at a public school.
Micah, currently 13 years old, attended 1/2 day Kindergarten at a Christian school, homeschooled for 6 years and has just completed grade 7 at a Christian school. 

When transitioning out of a schooling context, parents need to remember that their children can't imagine school as anything other than what they have experienced at school.  (And we all know that "doing school at home" pretty much misses the whole point of the flexibility & freedom that homeschooling brings!).  The children, and maybe even the parents, have a schooling mindset.  Children who have been schooled cannot fully see the pros and cons of homeschooling because they haven't experienced it.  I would say that is true to a lesser degree of going from homeschooling to school.

When we transitioned from School to Homeschooling, my kiddos were young:  They had just turned 6 & 8 years old.  However, I believe my advice for this transition works regardless of age.  Ask your kids what they think they are going to miss about going to school.  If possible, try to re-create that for the homeschool setting.  

My kids said that they were going to miss the "special days":  100 Day of School, Valentine's Day parties, and Field Day.  This is why we hosted our own Valentine's Day parties for homeschoolers:
http://carmelhillbillies.blogspot.com/2014/02/annual-valentines-day-parties-special.html
And this is why we hosted our own Homeschool Field Days:
http://carmelhillbillies.blogspot.com/2014/05/annual-homeschool-field-day-home.html

Additionally, in your school to homeschooling transition, if your curriculum and the level of your students allows for this freedom, let your children choose some of the subjects they want to learn about.  Perhaps a unit study in Science & a unit study in Social Studies of their choice.  Let them choose books that they want to read.  This will be fun for your children and it will also begin growing in them the philosophy of child-directed learning.  No matter what your homeschooling style, having students engaged & invested in their own education is one of the biggest goals, outcomes, and advantages of homeschooling. 

The Homeschooling to School transition is of course fresher in my mind, as just a year ago we were going through this transition.  Many homeschool parents, myself included, always worry about their weaknesses, the perceived & actual areas that their children are "behind" in.  Homeschooling has SO many options for curriculum, co-ops and classes, that a homeschooling parent always wishes that they had more time & could cover more material.  I certainly felt that way!  I was hard on myself because of the areas where I felt I should/ could be doing better & more.  I did not give myself enough credit for the areas where we were doing really well. 

We looked at homeschooling one year at a time.  My goal was always that should the children need to, they could easily fit back into their academics at grade level, at school.  However, as year after year of homeschooling rolls by, it can make you a little worried, wondering if they will be able to "do school" well at the appropriate level.

I have two very different children, with very different areas & levels of abilities, and let me just say:  They did JUST fine academically going back to school.  So take a deep breath and be encouraged.

Let me start with what I would NOT do.  If I can lay aside the wishes that we had done more of "x" or learned more in the subject of "y", then I can honestly say:  I would not change much at all.  I would not get up earlier and have long days so that they could "know what school is like."  I would not choose methods of teaching & subject matter that they are not engaged in so that they would know what it is like in "real" school.  I would not put time limits on their tests.  I would not refuse to allow more reading time.  Let the benefits of homeschooling be, whether you are transitioning to school or not.  The children did not have a hard time transitioning to a school day, getting up early, needing to be prepared with their books & pencils, having a limited time to take tests, etc.  What a shame it would have been if I had tried to incorporate these "school" ways of life into our homeschooling, in an attempt to prepare them for school. 

One thing that both of my children really missed after transitioning to school was time to read.  During homeschooling my children had the time to read HUNDREDS of books.  Upon beginning school, they simply did not have time to do anywhere near the amount of reading they had been accustomed to during homeschooling.  I guess we can look at that as one of those, "Don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened" type of things.  Homeschooling provided years of reading for us.  Now Noelle and Micah have in them the desire & love of reading, even if they don't get to do it as often or as much as they would like. 

Also, this is a reminder when you transition from homeschooling to schooling to try not to over-schedule the weekends.  This is hard for me personally.  I want to volunteer and go to fairs and plays.  When you are homeschooling, you can take advantage of every opportunity that weekends bring, because you know that you can just take a day off during the week, or adjust your schedule in some other way.  Once your kids are in a school setting, they are truly going to need the break during the weekends.  They will probably need to sleep and the weekends are also their time to see friends and pursue the hobbies they are interested in. 

Even at the end of their first year back in school, both children, in public and Christian schools, remained stunned and disappointed in how mean some people can be.  One said recently that they wished I had prepared them for how unkind and cruel other kids can be. 

Homeschooling today is certainly as social an experience as you want to make it.  My kids have always been involved with church, they took dance classes, participated in bookclubs and other extracurricular activities, volunteered in their community, and played in some sports.  They were used to hanging around people of all types.  However in going to school they noticed & experienced what can happen at school, a place where kids who are the same age spend a lot of time together:  Kids pick on differences.  They apply pressure that only certain clothes, shoes, cars, haircuts and music should be liked. 

I don't think that we can or should avoid the pain that people can bring into our lives, but I point it out because it is something both of my children experienced and mentioned multiple times this past year.  So there are some life lessons to apply here.  "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."  (Romans 12:18).  I tell my kids that they will experience difficulties with people everywhere they go, for the rest of their lives!  The family they marry into, the family they are born into, the people they work with, the people they live with, the people they go to church with- It's a fact of life and a life skill to learn to work with people, and to learn to know when to walk away and choose not to work with someone.  

Let your children lead, (they've gotten used to that through homeschooling and child-directed interests), in the are of extra-curricular activities.  Both of my children chose to stop taking dance classes once they began school.  This was a little disappointing to me, however they both felt it would be too much to adjust to school and take several dance classes a week.  

Noelle had been doing plays & musicals as a homeschooler and she was excited to continue that in the school setting.  She did a fall school musical and a community play in the fall, quickly followed by a winter one-act play competition and not too long after that, followed by the Young Curators program.  We decided that two productions in the fall is too much!  So we decided together that we will not make that same mistake this next year!  

One thing that has stuck out and been obvious to their teachers is that my children are engaged in their education.  Particularly compared to their schooled peers.  I know that comes from years of homeschooling.  I received a lot of feedback from Noelle's teachers about her.  Here are some snippets:

• "In class Noelle is always focused and attentive... Noelle expresses her understanding with a smile and a nod of her head.  I know she's new to public education but it's clear she's learned to think for herself and to act responsibly and independently.  These habits will be very beneficial as she progresses through public education, although they may seem a little out-of-the-ordinary at this time.  Many of Noelle's classmates have learned through the 'middle school philosophy' which at least from my observations, emphasizes 'self-esteem' over solid, academic accomplishment and learning.... I like the model she sets for her classmates as an active and self-reliant learner."
• "You have been, from the moment I met you, one of the kindest, most present, young adults I have ever met.  You are both intelligent and articulate and your ability to step up and get the conversation going is an invaluable tool in group work and in life."
• "It has been easy to work with Noelle this year.  She understands that her teachers are here to help her change and grow.  I'm sure she has told you that working with some of our students is a real challenge..."
• "Thanks to you for raising such an interesting, hard-working and selfless daughter!" 
• "It has been an absolute pleasure to have Noelle in class; she's truly an exceptional student..."

At the end of the year, even Noelle's friends had some surprising things to say to her:

• "..You're truly an inspiration!  I wish there could be more people as thoughtful and selfless as you!"
• "..You're someone I can rely on and look up to..."
• (And an actual letter from a high school friend):  "I can't express enough how happy I am to have met you this year.  Ever since, you have been nothing but kind, caring, funny, and an all around happy person.  Your inner drive to help others truly inspires me every day to want to become a better person... I remember one time we were walking at school and you noticed a piece of trash on the floor and without hesitation you picked it up and did the right thing.  Anyone else would have just glanced over and kept walking.  By you doing that small act tells a lot about your character and I'm glad to call you my friend!.."

I did receive a few comments about Micah as well:

• "He is a patient friend and sees all of those around him equally and as friends.... His ability to adjust to changes and his willingness to try new things.  Micah is a learner and loves the interesting facts he finds in the material covered in his classes.  He is a strong, quiet leader in the classroom..."
• "He is a hard worker & dedicated learner in the classroom.  Micah is a hands-on learner that has an innate ability to apply what he is learning to real life situations."
• "He is a great student to have; and he has lots of knowledge."
• (And what every former homeschooling parent wants to hear:)  "Your kids are awesome, very normal in the right ways and different in ways that make them more mature than some of their peers." 

I include these comments to illustrate that that the important parts about school aren't always about "school" at all.  They are about character and impacting people.  Knowing how to get information and being driven to do well, from your own inside, not from someone trying to "make you get it" from the outside-in. 

When our previously-homeschooled kids transition to school, they are ambassadors for homeschooling, especially in the public school.  Administrators, teachers, and students may have preconceived notions of what homeschoolers are like.  Our kids have an opportunity to really shine.  And, if the children are Christians, as mine are, they have an opportunity to shine for Christ:  Whether they are in public or Christian school- to their teachers and other students. 

[The Power of] Family Warmth

This past week is the first time I have heard the term "family warmth".
I was listening to the radio program, Family Life Today.  The guest was Dr. Kara E. Powell, author of Sticky Faith.  She was talking about a subject dear to my heart:  Young people "leaving" the faith, drifting from the church, and research that indicates what is particularly effective at building long-term faith.


Dr. Powell spoke of research done by Vern Bankston, studying over 300 families over a time span of 35 years.  More than anything else that families did, it was the family warmth that most correlated, most related to the children adopting the faith than anything else.  More important than time together.  Most important in a "sticky faith" is that the kids feel like the parents want to be around them and truly enjoy them.  Family Warmth.  That the kids know that not only do their parents love them, they like them, whether they are in the highest high or the lowest low. 

The Power of Family Warmth.

I had never heard it put like that before, and I have been turning that over in my head since I heard it.

This is not a new subject to me.  Years ago I delved in to the research about what seems to make a difference in passing on our faith, helping create a "faith that sticks" in our children.  I learned particularly from Brian Haynes & Mark Holmen.  I learned & implemented.  Learned & implemented.  There are no guarantees.  Each of us gets to choose if we are going to follow God or not.  But I desire to do my best to honor the Lord with my parenting and to do all I can to help my children choose Jesus.  I already knew that family devotions were important. 

I already knew what Diana Garland discovered, that families serving together has special generative power! We've experienced that in our own family.  One of the best things we have ever done for our family is to serve a meal at Manna, once a week, for over a year.  The children were approximately 7, 9 & 11 years old when we did this. 

In this same broadcast, I learned that it's not so much how close parents feel to children that matters, it's how close the child feels to the parent.  Not about what we think as adults, but about what kids are perceiving and experiencing.

Are our kids experiencing family warmth?  Do they know that we like them, that we enjoy them, that we want to be around them?

I would think that the power of family warmth not only affects long-term faith, but also the emotional well-being of a child.

My children recently spent a week out of state with their dad and his family because their dad got married.  They have one uncle & aunt & two cousins on their dad's side and it was a treat to spend time with them.  One thing that my daughter told me when she got home was that when she gets married she wants to have a family like her aunt & uncle.  Their adult children want to spend time with them.  They do a lot of things together.  They laugh a lot together.  Then she added, "Kind-of like us!"

Family Warmth.  My thoughts led me to ask, what family do I know that exemplifies "family warmth?"  This was a bit tough because I know a lot of wonderful families, including mine.  One family immediately came to mind:  My Grampie & Grammie Boone.  Now, they were not actually related to me, but that's what I called them and they really were like grandparents to me.  I spent a lot of time in their home when I was a child, and even had frequent visits as an adult.  I certainly had opportunity to be in their home when some of their adult children & grandchildren were there and it still rings true:  Their family had family warmth.  How?  I'm not sure I can nail it down.  They were of humble means.  What about them made me enjoy being there?  In fact, I don't ever remember one time when I felt unwanted or didn't really want to go to their house.

1. So I guess that is one reason.  I was wanted.  By the time I was a child, they were basically retired & at home.  They had the time to sit and talk.  No one was rushed.  They cared about my life.  I wasn't, however, the focal point, the center of attention.  I am sure most of my time there was spent in a corner, maybe reading comic books, eating barley candy, going outside and walking on stilts, or just sitting there while the adults talked.  (Added bonus:  Research shows the importance of inter-generational relationships.  Hugely important.)
2. Secondly, and this is a big one:  Sense of humor.  The Boones had a great sense of humor.  We laughed a lot at their house.  The times I have been with them when their family has been with them, they laughed more than anyone I knew!  It was a long-to-learn lesson for me, but laughter and a sense of humor has probably been the #1 thing that has "saved" my marriage, elevated my marriage.  Learning to laugh at myself.  Not take things so seriously.  HUGE.  

So, Family Warmth.  You know it when you see it.  This past week included the 4th of July.  I spent as much time as I could squeeze in with my parents, my brothers, my nephews, my niece, my uncles & aunts & cousins & their children.  I feel family warmth with my Sjoberg family.  I see the security it brings to the children. 

My thoughts have led me to examine what our little family does to create family warmth.  Our favorite family activities have created family warmth, but it strikes me that we have also had bad experiences with every single one of those activities. 

We have played games together in a way that was fun & memorable.  Just a few weeks ago we were camping & we played "Catch Phrase".  As we were playing the batteries started dying & the voice that says, "Team one has 1 point..." sounded so funny that we couldn't stop laughing!!  We have had other times when we did the same activity and it was the opposite of family warmth!!  Same with everything we do:  Bike rides & walks & camping & fires in the backyard.  Some of these memories are amazing & others are frankly terrible.  This tells me that it's not really the activity that creates family warmth.  The activity can be a vehicle to help with family warmth, but really only is successful when the parents are setting the tone, are peaceful, are quick to forgive & ready to laugh. 

It is of course much harder for blended families to create family warmth!  Oy vey!  Loyalty conflicts & differing schedules & interference from ex-spouses.  It's a tall order!  But- Not too tall for God.

Without a doubt, homeschooling my children for 6 years helped us create family warmth. 

Family warmth may be my son knowing that he is free to say anything. Anything!  (Because he is secure.)  So when he tells his chubby mom that, "at least if a boulder were to hit your belly you would be well-protected" (!!) he knows that there will be no backlash.  That we can laugh at what he thought was a true compliment!!  

Family warmth may be the knowledge a child has that their parent is going to listen to them, truly listen, and be willing to change the plan, change the course, change the schedule, to meet the child's need.

Family warmth may be watching The Middle every Thursday night, (as we do).  It may be Movie & pizza nights & after-supper walks.  It may be shared activities like games & canoeing & hiking & camping.

Family warmth definitely is:  Laughter.  Love.  Acceptance.  Forgiveness.  Flexibility.  Belonging. 

If our kids don't feel that they are liked, if they don't feel like they belong, why would they ever want to spend time with us & want to adopt our faith system as their own? 

I have a lot more thinking to do about "family warmth".  I think we are doing well, but I see some areas for improvement and I am praying about how to do better.