Happy 10 Year Anniversary to Us!

I don't know if you can hear it wherever you might be.  Can you?  I'm pretty sure you can.
Trip Lee's "Sweet Victory" through the open windows.
"... 'cause we winnin', yeah we know we winnin', Now we livin' (sweet victory!)"
I don't know if you can see it wherever you might be.  Can you?  I'm pretty sure you can.
Did you see us just cross the 10-year finish line?  Did you see the ribbon at the end and our arms raised in victory?  Did you hear the host of heaven praising God?
"... Yeah we still runnin' even though we limpin' (sweet victory).  'Cause we winnin', yeah we know we winnin'..."

Literally against the odds, we sat down to a lobster & corn on the cob dinner, enjoyed each other, and celebrated 10 years of marriage.  (WOOT!)

So, we are 10-years in to this blended family marriage.  I have read that less than 25% of 2nd marriages are successful, but here we are- getting better all the time and with a chunk of "sacred history" behind us.  So what have we learned?  What's working for us that has helped us beat the odds?  I will list what comes to mind- And not all of these are unique to blended families/ 2nd marriages.

I gave this sign to Kevin when we were dating.  It was our prayer and our declaration for our new family.  It hung in our house until a few years ago when external factors worked hard to damage our family, home and marriage.  At this point we moved it to our front door and declared again that as for our family, we intend to serve the Lord.  Our understanding has always been that we could serve the Lord better together than separately.  

• Commitment to God and our marriage:  I have observed my husband reading his Bible each morning for 10 years.  It matters.  The cumulative impact of years in the Word of God does make a difference.  The edification process in which we become more sensitive to our own sin and more aware & able to do & be who God has called us to be- There are no short cuts!  It doesn't happen overnight, it's a lifelong process.  The more light that goes in, the more the darkness goes out.  We become less selfish.  As a result we become better spouses, parents, friends and people.  We can only do this for ourselves.  A marriage cannot be held together when only one person is committed to it.  We know this well.  It takes both parties willing themselves to stay together, no matter what.  A strong family cannot be built around the children, it must be built around the marriage.  Our children are of utmost importance to us, but they will come & go and our marriage needs to be strong regardless of who else is under our roof.
• Commitment to a better marriage:  Keeping our marriage together and being miserable was not the goal, although sometimes it has been the reality, for periods of time!  We have not just wanted to stay married, we have wanted a good marriage, one that keeps improving with time, as we learn more about each other and ourselves and what works best for our marriage. We have not been satisfied with where we find ourselves.  We want the best marriage we can have.  This means we have to communicate about hurts, goals, obstacles and dreams.  We have to be mold-able and willing to change.

• Individual Work:  Both Kevin & I have done a tremendous amount of hard, internal work as individuals.  Or I could say, God has done His work in us.  Truly.  This is another thing that we cannot do for our spouse.  We can only do it for ourselves.  I am abundantly thankful that Kevin has done this and continues to do it.  It's very hard and issues from childhood, our first marriages, regrets, sin problems, unmet expectations, our selfishness and problems in our marriage get dredged up and must be dealt with in a healthy way, in order for us to move forward as individuals and as a couple.  I would say that this "individual work" also speaks to the above points:  Being committed to God and a good marriage and spending time in the Word.  Now, we have been to multiple marriage conferences and retreats.  We have read marriage books, been to counseling and our Sunday School class is even for married people.  I know these things have all been helpful, but I credit the individual work we have done as one of the biggest reasons we are successful.  
• Humor!  This has been huge for me because by nature & nurture I am a rather serious person.  Kevin has a great sense of humor.  It has been a welcomed, needed & pleasant addition to our home life!  I have come a long way in learning to laugh at myself and take myself less seriously.  As a result I am more likely to overlook an offense.  Humor and laughter have helped our family bond together.  It helps with difficult & everyday situations.  The power of humor cannot be underestimated!  
• Resilience & Flexibility:  This point alone could be a separate blog post.  I have found it to be true that in life you must change what you can and accept what you cannot change.  Making course-corrections are necessary.  All marriages deal with unmet and unrealistic expectations, but these blow up in blended families!  Couples are blindsided by pressures & dynamics of stepfamily living.  We enter these marriages with ideas about what our family will be.  Others tell us what we are supposed to be- we are told that blood doesn't matter and that the Brady Bunch is attainable.  We think that our family will be different & that we won't deal with common stepfamily problems.  We, like most couples, found ourselves without any idea of how to navigate the pitfalls and problems of our blended family.  It became important that we not get stuck in these unrealistic expectations.  We learned to name the issues and we found that what was mentionable was manageable.  We could either stay down and give up or we could adjust our mindset and try again.  We learned to compromise and then compromise some more.  We learned together how to be more flexible and how to be resilient.  Dying to self is painful but an important part of our growth.
• Space:  My husband has given me space.  I've had the freedom to pursue my interests and hobbies, to homeschool my children, to handle my children primarily as I have seen fit.  He has not harped on every wrong thing I have done.  He has let the Holy Spirit do His work in me to make me more like Christ.  Of course Kevin has space to speak into my life.  He doesn't shy away from calling me out when I need it.  He has helped me parent my children.  But he has not smothered me.  I have been able to be myself.  This has been very important.  My home can now be a haven for me from the storms of life, from ex-spouses, from difficulties.  Kevin also has the freedom to pursue his interests and hobbies.

• Shared Interests:  Kevin & I know how to have fun together.  We like kayaking, hiking, biking, xc skiing, road trips, movies, walks, good food, camping, and lots of other things!  We love having the kids along, in fact we prefer it.  However, we've also had times each year of our marriage when we got away, just the two of us.  Again, it's a strong marriage between us that will aid us having a strong family.

• Community:  I am unsure about putting this here because it seems so obvious.  But I recognize that not everyone has the support of community.  I have never had a time in my life when I did not have a church community and family to support, love, encourage, model, disciple me, so I'm sure I take it for granted.  I cannot imagine going through the challenges of marriage, particularly blended family marriage- in isolation.  We know we were made for community.  We are mentally, spiritually and emotionally healthier when we live in community.  I am thankful for our families, our churches, small groups, and especially the couples whom we have spent time with, who have been in our home and invited us into their homes, who have loved on us and encouraged our marriage.

I found life & I found laughter

in forgiveness, I found rest

On the shoulders of redemption

I found hope when hope was dead

I could lose it in a moment

So I dare not close my eyes

I'll watch fear fall with the sunset

And see hope rise with the tide

And when the pain is true

Sometimes these troubles prove that I'm alive

My eyes are open

My heart is beating

My lungs are full

And my body's breathing

I'm moving forward

I found my freedom

I found the life that gave me reason to live

As the dusty road now settles

And I see what lay before

Every tear that held a broken dream

Is now shattered on the floor

And now bursting forth in splendor

Are the blossoms of second tries

Because dreams that bear the mark of love

Are dreams that never die

Sometimes, Life can feel so unkind

Sorrow won't define me

So just reminds my soul, my soul

My eyes are open

My heart is beating

My lungs are full

And my body's breathing

I'm moving forward

I found my freedom

I know this sorrow

I know this heartache

I know with fear comes a tragic heartbreak

I'm moving forward

I found my freedom

I found a life that gave me reason to love

-Colony House