[The Power of] Family Warmth

This past week is the first time I have heard the term "family warmth".
I was listening to the radio program, Family Life Today.  The guest was Dr. Kara E. Powell, author of Sticky Faith.  She was talking about a subject dear to my heart:  Young people "leaving" the faith, drifting from the church, and research that indicates what is particularly effective at building long-term faith.


Dr. Powell spoke of research done by Vern Bankston, studying over 300 families over a time span of 35 years.  More than anything else that families did, it was the family warmth that most correlated, most related to the children adopting the faith than anything else.  More important than time together.  Most important in a "sticky faith" is that the kids feel like the parents want to be around them and truly enjoy them.  Family Warmth.  That the kids know that not only do their parents love them, they like them, whether they are in the highest high or the lowest low. 

The Power of Family Warmth.

I had never heard it put like that before, and I have been turning that over in my head since I heard it.

This is not a new subject to me.  Years ago I delved in to the research about what seems to make a difference in passing on our faith, helping create a "faith that sticks" in our children.  I learned particularly from Brian Haynes & Mark Holmen.  I learned & implemented.  Learned & implemented.  There are no guarantees.  Each of us gets to choose if we are going to follow God or not.  But I desire to do my best to honor the Lord with my parenting and to do all I can to help my children choose Jesus.  I already knew that family devotions were important. 

I already knew what Diana Garland discovered, that families serving together has special generative power! We've experienced that in our own family.  One of the best things we have ever done for our family is to serve a meal at Manna, once a week, for over a year.  The children were approximately 7, 9 & 11 years old when we did this. 

In this same broadcast, I learned that it's not so much how close parents feel to children that matters, it's how close the child feels to the parent.  Not about what we think as adults, but about what kids are perceiving and experiencing.

Are our kids experiencing family warmth?  Do they know that we like them, that we enjoy them, that we want to be around them?

I would think that the power of family warmth not only affects long-term faith, but also the emotional well-being of a child.

My children recently spent a week out of state with their dad and his family because their dad got married.  They have one uncle & aunt & two cousins on their dad's side and it was a treat to spend time with them.  One thing that my daughter told me when she got home was that when she gets married she wants to have a family like her aunt & uncle.  Their adult children want to spend time with them.  They do a lot of things together.  They laugh a lot together.  Then she added, "Kind-of like us!"

Family Warmth.  My thoughts led me to ask, what family do I know that exemplifies "family warmth?"  This was a bit tough because I know a lot of wonderful families, including mine.  One family immediately came to mind:  My Grampie & Grammie Boone.  Now, they were not actually related to me, but that's what I called them and they really were like grandparents to me.  I spent a lot of time in their home when I was a child, and even had frequent visits as an adult.  I certainly had opportunity to be in their home when some of their adult children & grandchildren were there and it still rings true:  Their family had family warmth.  How?  I'm not sure I can nail it down.  They were of humble means.  What about them made me enjoy being there?  In fact, I don't ever remember one time when I felt unwanted or didn't really want to go to their house.

1. So I guess that is one reason.  I was wanted.  By the time I was a child, they were basically retired & at home.  They had the time to sit and talk.  No one was rushed.  They cared about my life.  I wasn't, however, the focal point, the center of attention.  I am sure most of my time there was spent in a corner, maybe reading comic books, eating barley candy, going outside and walking on stilts, or just sitting there while the adults talked.  (Added bonus:  Research shows the importance of inter-generational relationships.  Hugely important.)
2. Secondly, and this is a big one:  Sense of humor.  The Boones had a great sense of humor.  We laughed a lot at their house.  The times I have been with them when their family has been with them, they laughed more than anyone I knew!  It was a long-to-learn lesson for me, but laughter and a sense of humor has probably been the #1 thing that has "saved" my marriage, elevated my marriage.  Learning to laugh at myself.  Not take things so seriously.  HUGE.  

So, Family Warmth.  You know it when you see it.  This past week included the 4th of July.  I spent as much time as I could squeeze in with my parents, my brothers, my nephews, my niece, my uncles & aunts & cousins & their children.  I feel family warmth with my Sjoberg family.  I see the security it brings to the children. 

My thoughts have led me to examine what our little family does to create family warmth.  Our favorite family activities have created family warmth, but it strikes me that we have also had bad experiences with every single one of those activities. 

We have played games together in a way that was fun & memorable.  Just a few weeks ago we were camping & we played "Catch Phrase".  As we were playing the batteries started dying & the voice that says, "Team one has 1 point..." sounded so funny that we couldn't stop laughing!!  We have had other times when we did the same activity and it was the opposite of family warmth!!  Same with everything we do:  Bike rides & walks & camping & fires in the backyard.  Some of these memories are amazing & others are frankly terrible.  This tells me that it's not really the activity that creates family warmth.  The activity can be a vehicle to help with family warmth, but really only is successful when the parents are setting the tone, are peaceful, are quick to forgive & ready to laugh. 

It is of course much harder for blended families to create family warmth!  Oy vey!  Loyalty conflicts & differing schedules & interference from ex-spouses.  It's a tall order!  But- Not too tall for God.

Without a doubt, homeschooling my children for 6 years helped us create family warmth. 

Family warmth may be my son knowing that he is free to say anything. Anything!  (Because he is secure.)  So when he tells his chubby mom that, "at least if a boulder were to hit your belly you would be well-protected" (!!) he knows that there will be no backlash.  That we can laugh at what he thought was a true compliment!!  

Family warmth may be the knowledge a child has that their parent is going to listen to them, truly listen, and be willing to change the plan, change the course, change the schedule, to meet the child's need.

Family warmth may be watching The Middle every Thursday night, (as we do).  It may be Movie & pizza nights & after-supper walks.  It may be shared activities like games & canoeing & hiking & camping.

Family warmth definitely is:  Laughter.  Love.  Acceptance.  Forgiveness.  Flexibility.  Belonging. 

If our kids don't feel that they are liked, if they don't feel like they belong, why would they ever want to spend time with us & want to adopt our faith system as their own? 

I have a lot more thinking to do about "family warmth".  I think we are doing well, but I see some areas for improvement and I am praying about how to do better.