Hard Realities and the Growth that Comes as a Result.

Today I dropped my kids off with their dad.  For the rest of the summer.  They will come back just before school starts.  We have a new custody arrangement, one of the results of a divorce modification which culminated in a trial nearly a year ago.  Their dad asked for 8 weeks in the summer.  I countered with 3 weeks.  The judge decided on 5 weeks.  This is the most time that they have ever spent with their dad, post-divorce.

I didn't have children to not spend time with them.  It's unnatural. Sad.  Hard.

My kids were 1.5 and 3.5 years old when their dad decided to leave.  However, it wasn't until they were 2.5 and 4.5 that I had to drop them off at their dad's apartment for overnights.  I am telling you~ That first time that I packed their little backpacks and drove across town and walked them up the stairs and drove away:  I thought I was going to die.  It was very, very hard.

Being divorced and having your kids go back and forth between homes is a hard reality.  I have known today's extended visitation was coming, and I knew that it would be even more challenging because my daughter, Noelle, just arrived home 2 days ago from a month in Africa, only to turn around and leave again.  I had a little cry/ release about the whole thing today.

But, if we as parents think this is hard, we can't even imagine how it feels for our kids.  The kids of divorce are always the losers.  All they want is to love their Dad and to love their Mom and to have their Mom & Dad be together and to be able to be with both parents at once.  Divorce crushes kids.  It's not just something that they have to deal with in their childhood, the pain is long-lasting and the effects go on for a lifetime. 

When my husband told me that he was leaving, I remember calling my pastor and just crying.  Naturally I was devastated for myself.  My dream of a godly marriage and lots of children was ripped away.  But that night I remember mostly talking to him about my kids.  "What about my kids??", I wailed.  Every single life event from then on was going to be different.  Not to mention daily life.  They would never again come home to a mom and a dad.  Just horrible. 


Now let me say, I am truly thankful for what I have.  I have children- I am so thankful to God for that!  I have had the privilege of spending a great deal of time with my children, (for a divorced parent.)  I don't have to look far to see the pain from a lack of time with your child.  For the past 2+ years, my husband, for years the primary caregiver for his daughter, has spent very little time with her.  That is very painful.  Raw. 

So sometimes it's hard to be too sad about any part of my situation when comparatively, his is much harder.  I have a friend who helped me with this perspective.  At the time, her son & my daughter were both in physical therapy.  Noelle had multiple speech therapy and physical therapy appointments a week, on top of neurologist appointments and issues with her asthma, allergies & eczema.  But- My friend's son had severe issues.  A feeding tube.  Vomiting.  Autism.  Many more therapy and doctor appointments than Noelle and much harsher medical realities.  When we hung out and my friend would ask about how Noelle was doing in therapy, I would say, "Oh goodness.  We are fine!  She is fine!  She doesn't have a diagnosis!  What we are experiencing is nothing compared to what you are experiencing!"  My friend stopped me.  She said that just because her "leg is amputated" doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when I break my leg, or stub my toe.  What a friend! 

So yes, sending my kids off for the rest of the summer is a hard reality.

However, everyone has hard realities.  Difficulties with health, finances, relationships.  Everyone.

The treasure is that it is usually through these difficult times that we grow in our faith.  We draw closer to the Lord.  My relationship with the Lord is absolutely, without question better and stronger because of the trials of my life. 

I had to learn to let go.  Funny, how we think we are keeping things in place or controlling anything at all!!  That week, years ago, when my husband left, I remember one day very specifically.  It was a Wednesday.  My one year old and my three year old were playing in the living room and I sat on the couch all day long.  "What am I going to do?"  Oh, that cry out to God.  The anguish.  The Spirit interceding for me with groanings too deep for words.  (Romans 8:26).  "Well, God, you are going to have to figure this out."  It was a release of control.  It was a spiritually significant day in my faith journey.  And as my mom said, "That's how God wants us to always be!  Not just in crisis, but all the time.  Letting go of trying to control our lives.  Releasing them and yielding to the Father." 

So, in hard realities we can be thankful that they are catalysts for growth.  Maybe you didn't grow up in a Christian home.  Maybe your husband doesn't lead you spiritually.  Maybe infertility has left you in a state of grief.  Maybe you are caring for an elderly parent and the struggle is very real.

I am so thankful that God has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10.)

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  (Psalm 34:18.  The Bible is full of comfort for us.  Also, God can use anything that is meant for evil against us, for good.  (Genesis 50:20).  

Whatever our situation, it is important to come to an acceptance of it.  Definitely change the things you can, but accept what you cannot.  Acceptance has been a big part of my spiritual journey.  

My daughter has asthma.  She is, of course, wise to be knowledgeable about asthma.  To be aware of her triggers.  To take her medication and follow expert advice.  It would be unwise to act as though she didn't have asthma- To try to climb a mountain without an inhaler, to push the limits.  My daughter has to have an acceptance that she has asthma and this may limit her in a few things.  


We all have to accept our limitations and not endlessly struggle against them.  Certain stages of life limit us.  Health problems can limit us.  The acceptance that this is my situation and I need to live within these confines helps me to move on and LIVE!  To be intentional with what I have.  To be thankful!  

And the peace!  Oh, the peace.  God tells us that we have access to a peace, a peace of God that surpasses all comprehension, guarding our minds and hearts!! (Philippians 4:7) Wow!  

And then we can say: 
"....Blessed Be Your name.  When I'm found in the desert place.
Though I walk through the wilderness.  Blessed Be Your name.
Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, Still I will say-
Blessed be the name of the Lord...
Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering. 
Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name.
...You give and take away, My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name."  (Matt Redman.)

Is it a hard reality?  Oh yes indeed.

But God provides growth and acceptance.

I hold my children with an open hand.  They are God's kids, not mine, and it's easy to forget that.  Sharing my kids with my ex-husband helps me to remember that.